Update On Me - Not Pretty

I tell you, I've not updated in awhile because so much has been going on. As most of you know, I've suffered from depression and recently my medicine stopped working and my doctor and I were trying to find a new one that would work. We were having no luck whatsoever. So while on a med (and slowly increasing dosage) hoping this one would work, I decided to try therapy. Barely into the first assessment she informs me she thinks I am Bi-polar and not chronic depressive. She said my irritability (I've been such a joy to be around ) and my excessive spending (to the point I had to come off our checking account because I've put us in debt) and the fact that my anti-depressants keep stop working are all signs of Bi-polar. Also, I had been sinking fast, and was cycling from depression (uncontrolable crying, rage, feelings of worthlessness, and just no motivation to leave my chair) are all also markers for Bi-polar. Well I already had an appointment that Friday with my psychatrist and I told her I would speak with him about it. If you don't know, they mainly diagnose you then just make sure your medicines are working. When mine were, I'd only see him 2x's a year. I told him what the therapist said, and all my new symptoms (most had developed since our last appointment) and he completely agreed with her. One of the reasons I love him to death, he has no problem listening to others opinions, be it mine or others in his field and he has no problem admitting when he's wrong. He said I am what is considered "mixed Bi-polar or Bi-polar II". It's near the same as Bi-polar I but I don't have the hypo-mania that is associated with it. My mania's are the spending and the irriability were the replacements of the hypo-mania. And come to find out, you might feel better for a bit on anti-depressants but ultimately, they actually aggrivate the symptoms of Bi-polar. So I am completely off them and on a mood stabilizer. However I am having to start out on a very low dosage and slowly increase. My doctor has put me on Lamictal. Hopefully when we reach the right dosage, it will work. Or I will have to start over with a new medicine. He also put me on Serequel (even though it's an anti-psychotic, and he swears I'm not psychotic lol, he said it would help with the irriability. For a long time it didn't but I've had to up that too. Well I've actually had a couple of good days, should have known it wouldn't last. I had also gotten a job, it was part-time but came with insurance and paid well with awesome future opportunities. Well I get up today and and first, it's circus week at day camp so I am trying to do an intricate face painting Bella had picked out on a half asleep cranky kid, then she decides not to wear the rest of the clown stuff we put together/bought just for her. She was too afraid she'd be laughed at. I guess having spent so much time in the system she has very low self-esteem. She didn't care if people thought the outfit was good, she was scared they would be laughing at her and not the costume. So she refused the clown glasses outright and in the car decided to take down the hair I had done, and it wasn't easy (it wasn't just a clown wig, I put it together) and took off the giant tie and only kept the face paint. Well I did tell her (comfortingly) that she needs to learn not to worry about what others think, that she should just have fun with her costumes but that it was also her decision and I wouldn't force her to wear what she didn't want to and nor would I be mad. So she stripped it all but the face paint. Ok, annoying going thru all that work but ok. Then I call to set up my next training session and they tell me they aren't going to follow thru and hire me. I took the inectivie to ASK for extra training instead of just waiting for the scheduled training sessions, so I could get a jump on things and had one and had set another. I had to cancel that one to take Bella to the doc. Well because of that they said thanks but no thanks!! And once again, the woman who hired me, didn't even have the decency to do it herself, had one of her staff do it. Again, this was EXTRA training I'd asked for!! So there goes my job. I am barely holding it together today. I just want to cry. But I have a doctor appointment soon for my back, which I am sure they are going to be able to do nothing about. Everything about this day is starting to go wrong. Looks like me and my college degree will be working for McDonalds, which is going to be even better for my back. Well know that I have finished my novel, I will let you all to it. Pray hard for me. Espcially after today, and it's not even NOON yet!!