Update on me - warning - novel to follow

Well things have been really hectic and a bit on the bad side. The 2 placements didn't work out. Mostly me, partly Bella. Me, I just couldn't handle it. Skyler (the boy) wasn't a problem at all. Very quiet and sweet. Velvet, she was, excuse the language, a hellion. I don't know if it was normal for a child of her age or what she'd been thru, even though she was only about 18 months or so. I suppose it was a bit of both. I had to let them go. And I felt (and still do to a degree) like a horrible and evil person. Had it just been one, I think I would have handled it better, maybe. Mark thinks that I just can't deal with one that young and that we should only take in children Bella's age. And I am afraid he's right, which cuts me so deeply. I have so wanted babies, children, lots of them, and it looks like I may not be able to handle it. Betty (Bella's counselor) talked to me a bit about it too and agreed with my "mental issues" I may just not be able to handle the stress, which again makes me feel like a failure and just a horrible person. I kept just breaking down and having crying fits, irritable (though of course I never took it out on the children, but poor Mark). I would get to the point sometimes I would just be at the end of my rope and wind up in the bedroom crying my eyes out. The only thing that makes me feel better is the fact I know the family that took them in. We had actually done respite care for them when they had 2 sisters (went back to their parents) and they are thru Grandfather Homes, so I know they are a good and loving family. Also just because I saw how they were with the girls they had. So I at least have the comfort of knowing they have a good and loving family that will take exceptionally good care of them. With Bella it is a bit more complicated. She started having problems. Some of just normal for any child that has been an only child and then all of a sudden has to share mom and ones so young demanding so much attention. Had it just been that type of adjustment, we'd seen Betty and just work thru it. But it hit her more deeply than that. First it started dredging up old wounds for her, fear, anxiety...she broke down in Wal-Mart just sobbing her heart out and told me she was scared that if I loved her then I wouldn't love the little ones and if I loved them then I wouldn't be able to love her. I am in tears just writing this. Seeing that kind of worry and grief on one so young, it just isn't right. She shouldn't have those type of concerns, and then she was terrified of them leaving and going to a bad home where they would be mistreated. I assured her that I had plenty of love to go around for everyone and pointed out how we love daddy and grandma and aunts and uncles and cousins, etc. But I called Betty right away and she being our Angel made us an appointment for the very next day. Where she expressed more worry for her and at the same time for the little ones. We talked a bit and scheduled another appointment. The next time she will talk more to Bella and to me as well without her present. She said, when she could talk without Bella paying attention, that we need to discuss in detail whether or not we should take in anymore long term placements for awhile. And Mark and I agree. We will talk about it in more depth. But I think it brought up some old unresolved issues for her, and she is my main concern. So we need to make sure she is ok before taking anymore in. She doesn't have a problem with respite, she knows its basically babysitting and they aren't staying. And seeing how she reacted to the little ones, after only about 3 weeks, if that long, I have to think the damage it would do to her if we took in a placement and they are with us for months and then wind up going back. At this point in her life it would devastate her. So this is definitely something we need to address with her first. And after they left she just broke down in tears. It was just heartbreaking. But I was able to reassure her that they went to a really good home and she remembered Kim and Eddie and that made her feel somewhat better. Then today Kim met me at her gymnastics class to drop off the car seat we loaned them and a few other things and she got to see them and that just thrilled her and Kim is all about setting play dates and meeting at the park, etc so she will still have some contact. But I will also make sure with Betty that is a good idea as well. I worry about her still getting too attached because it is just too soon to tell what is going to happen. They have just gone into the system so it could be a few weeks to months. And we were told from the get go that they probably would not be adoptable anyway. They are part of the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians and part of the tribe. The only reason the Tribe let us foster was because we had Indian heritage. And we were told that the Tribe probably would only let another family from the Tribe adopt them. Talk about sad. So needless to say it's been an emotional roller coaster, which seems to be all my life is lately. And then there's Kennen and Mark's side of the family. They've all gone insane. Twice now Kennen has said he wants to move back in. Spent the weekend with us and dead set on coming home. Both times, Mark took him back to Andrews to get his stuff and both times he's changed his mind and stayed. I told Mark we are not playing this game. If this keeps up he will have no say in the matter and he will just be moving back here whether he wants to or not. Mark told him if he doesn't have decent grades on his report card, he's coming home. Not to mention he's not seen a doctor over there, he is not on medication for his ADHD. And he and his brother fight. Mark's dad is home and hospice comes out to help but his mind is going to some degree and he complains and rants and raves a bit and drives everyone crazy. And of course seeing his dad like this is killing Mark. And then there's Rodney. Kennen's older brother who is so mentally messed up and so far gone only God can help him now. He's 19 or 20 and in and out of trouble with the law, already on probation and has done nothing he's supposed to do and is probably going to jail. For some reason (and it's always been this way) Mark's mom thinks the sun rises and sets on him and it's never his fault and she always takes his side. To the point of telling Mark, Kennen and her own husband she wants nothing to do with them when they try to do anything. Heck, he pushed Mark's PREGNANT niece. Thank God she didn't fall down the stairs. So they took a warrant out on him. That just put the family in such an uproar and went to the point his family was shutting him AND Heather out, because of course it was all their fault and not his. Mark is to the point he just hates Rodney. Also because he just does his best to drive Mark's dad crazy. He'll call him names, cuss him, poke him, smack him and Mark is terrified he is going to drive him to a heart attack. It's just such a mess. And I still haven't found a job and money is getting really tight. We are in a financial crisis here. Jobs here are so scarce and I can't seem to find anything. I worked 3 whole days at a stupid movie rental store and was fired because we got the placements and they wouldn't give me a couple of days to get them into daycare. Life has been really hard. Please pray for us, we need it so badly. Well sorry for the novel but it feels good to get it all out.